joe2poetry

Poetry from a Dublin Scientist

Category: Humorous

Limericks 30/07/14

A bee was buzzing away
For most of the hours of the day
Said he “I’m sure you’ll agree
Being idle is free
But soon with your hunger you’ll pay”

A man was killed with a knife
And suspicions pointed to his wife
She paid a large fee
Her lawyer got her free
Now she’s off living the good life

An Ode To Zombiestrippers

“They’re zombiestrippers”

I kid you not, this line’s used in a scene

This film is simply stranger still

Than any it may seem

#

The “Plot” if I may use that word

Is simplicity itself

Made with all the characters

They could find on the shelf

#

Ex-Porn Star Jenna Jameson

Is the star of the hour

First infected by the zombies

When things turn extra sour

#

The other famous face I see

Is Robert Englund

Who falls afoul of zombies fair

And left me super-stunned

#

This film includes I may add

Breasts flying about

And stereotypical army types

Who always shoot and shout

#

There girl and girl fights

Undead heads, more blood than most these rippers

You could do worse than renting out

These crazy Zombiestrippers

Limericks 10/01/14

The world is and interesting place
On account of some of our race
You know the sort
They drop pants in court
And laugh when the cops give chase

I’ve become rather partial to cheese
I eat it whenever I please
But I must confess
I make such a mess
As the damn stuff is making me sneeze!

The Smack

It happened in the school yard at lunch

Young Jimmy hit Clive with a punch

For what Clive had said ’bout his mum

And his very best chum

And quite a bit more I would hunch

#

Like no one had seen before

The punch made the small hitee soar

He flew in an arc

Landed on some bark

Then lay out flat on the floor

#

Clive was passed out on his tush

While the crowd lay in wait in a hush

Then got up with a din

But his face made a grin

 And then in apology blush

#

For some people don’t know their place

And make jokes about sex or of race

And the number one cure

That will sort them for sure

Is to give them a smack in the face

################################

Written for Trifecta week one hundred and six

The Debs

Early one evening on a late Summer’s night

Young men and women are cowering in fright

Done up in dresses, the finest of threads

Nervously waiting for the start of their debs

Young lads in tuxes pining for a date

Ladies waiting to be fashionably late

Couples and singles, and friends by the score

Waiting to see what the debs has in store

Drunken hijinks were meant to be banned

For that kind of stuff, the parents won’t stand

But the fact was most of them were over-age

And when it is legal, drinking’s the rage

The music started, the dancing began

With young boys and girls the passion soon ran

The young teens were at it like monkeys in heat

Leaving chaperones rushed clear off their feet

The party stopped at the stroke of midnight

By the time it was over the place looked a sight

All drunken young scholars, debauchery galore

Just like every debs that had been there before

The Mark

I wake in state

The lowest I’d rate

That I had ever been in

My head was a fog

And stomach agog

My ears rang a curious din

#

I raised my arm above my head

All the time wishing that I was dead

I move my arm and alas, hark!

For  upon my hand

That loathsome brand

The most dreaded mark

#

Oh! How could it be so

That to there I would go

Infinity nightclub, what was I thinking?

But my head is so sore

There’s bottles on the floor

It must have been all the drinking

#

Though every time I say “don’t”

I find myself in a place I won’t

Normally ever go

Filled with dopes

Spreading gropes

And things you’d best not know

#

Beside me something moves

Emerging from the blankets groove

What have I done? I’m feeling quite wrong

But out from the sheet

Comes a girl looking neat

Infinity’s my place from now on

###############

Written for Trifecta week ninety-one.

Oversized

The Queen had an oversized throne
“It’s much too big” she’d moan
So they hacked at each leg
Back to the peg
Left a stool to get up on her own

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Cacti

They may look like they have their arms outstretched
But word to the wise
Don’t give them a hug

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Limericks 06/06/13

When going upon a blind date
I hope that you don’t have the fate
To meet a she-hound
Whose steps shake the ground
And smells like an ape in a crate

I once met my local TD
Who was after a vote from me
I asked “Can you make the sun shine
Or the trains run on time?”
He said “I won’t bet the farm but I’ll see!”

Limericks 31/05/13

(Author’s note: a little bawdy today. I think it’s the summer sun! )

I’ve been told that the late Bobby Fitz
Was a fan of ladies with big tits
When one would walk by
He’d remark with a sigh
“I’d like to get those in my mitts!”

The son of Rory McCloud
Was known to be quite well endowed
He said “Just so you know
If you all want a show
I can make it stand up and be proud!”