I once met a dog on the street
On the lookout for something to eat
It had caught on the breeze
The Aroma of Cheese
But alas it was only my feet
A mayor did cavort his caboose
But when caught had a unique excuse
“See I have to look nice
For my ladies of vice
So I’m the best dressed man you can choose.”
Upon landing in Chile*
A lady beside me did say
“If there’s an Earthquake
And your home starts to shake
Get the hell out sans delay.”
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*(FYI… Over here they Pronounce it Chilay)
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If there was one thing for which I would wish
It would be a huge tank for my fish
And just for a lark
Perhaps a shark
That will find all the rest real delish
A fellow who I once knew
Would always say “How do you do?”
Then stick out a fist
Of muscle and grist
To shake the life out of poor you
A man of exceptional wealth
Was getting concerned for his health
Said he “The rotting of cash
May lead to a rash
And discomfort around the belt
A husband and bit of a slob
Was always yapping his gob
“Enough” said his wife
As she held up a knife
“Or I’ll shove this right up in your knob”
Last night I spotted a mouse
On the bottom floor of my house
It showed no fear
And came quite near
As I nervously listened to Strauss
A old lady once made a fuss
While queuing to wait for the bus
Said she “I’ve no money to pay
But it’s raining all day
And my hair is a terrible muss!”
I once caught a very large fish
Who granted whatever I’d wish
I was quite peckish
So I thought it delish
To have him served up as a dish
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A parrot I owned used to curse
Saying “dammit” and “bugger” and worse
Once it didn’t get fed
And quick off it sped
Shouting language quite perverse
When fine ladies my good friend Steve spies
We all can quite quickly surmise
That by half-eleven
Steve will be in heaven
Stuck snugly between her two thighs
A DJ soon threw all pretense
Of ever speaking any sense
And spoke to a balloon
About cows on the moon
On the subject he was quite intense
A senator came to our school
And told us it was pretty cool
That he gets a good wage
To shout in a rage
And generally sound like a fool
The Queen had an oversized throne
“It’s much too big” she’d moan
So they hacked at each leg
Back to the peg
Left a stool to get up on her own
A devious old pitcher plant
Said to the brash young ant
“Step into my bell
It’s really quite swell
You won’t want to leave I grant!”
I arrived in the US of A
And I went for a food bill to pay
They said do not slip
To leave them a tip
So I said “Blake in the fifth, two way”
#
When off for a dinner so good
I ate far more food than I should
They said “If you gobble all that
Then you’re bound to get fat
You won’t fit in the clothes that you should.
#
For Paddy’s day I’ll be back home
So around Dublin city I’ll roam
I might watch the parade
And give tourists some aid
Saying “That’s no leprechaun, that’s a gnome!”
I once knew a fellow called Jake
Who bought himself a pet snake
It started eating rats
Graduated to cats
And soon enough it ate Jake
#
I once had a mate called Melvin
Who had a good line in Shelving
He’d drill them in tall
Sure they’d not fall
Because he did the right delving
#
joe2poetry 