joe2poetry

Poetry from a Dublin Scientist

Category: Odes to stupid movies

An Ode To Zombiestrippers

“They’re zombiestrippers”

I kid you not, this line’s used in a scene

This film is simply stranger still

Than any it may seem

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The “Plot” if I may use that word

Is simplicity itself

Made with all the characters

They could find on the shelf

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Ex-Porn Star Jenna Jameson

Is the star of the hour

First infected by the zombies

When things turn extra sour

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The other famous face I see

Is Robert Englund

Who falls afoul of zombies fair

And left me super-stunned

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This film includes I may add

Breasts flying about

And stereotypical army types

Who always shoot and shout

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There girl and girl fights

Undead heads, more blood than most these rippers

You could do worse than renting out

These crazy Zombiestrippers

An Ode to Caddyshack

What sport deserves the greatest spoof?
Where do old rich white men goof?
Who wears trousers that makes you rolf?
The sport I chance to name is golf

A golf club in Americana
Inhabited by odd fauna
Pursued by Murray but no push-over
The one and only dancing gopher

Sex and drugs and rodenticide
Though Murray always misses wide
Unlike our hero with locks of curls
Who keeps getting all the girls

Dangerfield and Chevy Chase
Slobbish members of their race
Call the Judge on a bet
A cliff-hang ending is then set

‘Snobs v slobs’ is the line
We know who’ll turn out just fine
With nenanenananana in the hole
Chase had got it on the whole

But Dangerfield brings it to a head
And they are old left for dead
But Murray’s demolition show
Knocks the ball in and they go

For Bill Murray going mad
Storm-golf like the latest fad
Fake crap in the swimming pool
Caddyshack’s the one to rule

An Ode To True Lies

My favourite actor, the best that I know
Good at the action but dialogue? No!
Who else can make a bad quip with glee?
The master of crappy, our friend Arnie

Our man plays the hero, who fights the good fight
Mild mannered in public yet a spy out of sight
Tom Arnold the partner, the schemes they would hatch
And C Heston the boss wearing an eye patch

Jamie Lee Curtis plays the bored wife
Who’s unaware of Arnie’s double life
The daughter was played by Eliza Dushku
Too young here by far so shame on you!

The villains here are ahead of their age
Mid eastern terrorists all filled with rage
Stealing a nuke was really quite clever
With Tia Carrera who’s as sexy as ever

They’re chased by Arnie up on a horse
He kills them all with a line of course
As for incidentals I can’t fail to admit
The poor old guy who was taking a shit

Last but not least I’ll say what I can
About the character played by Pullman
Who says he’s a spy so he can get tail
But when up against Arnie is an epic fail

It is a daft bit of fun
From the master of flash James Cameron
Over too quickly, how fun time flies
When your watching the greatness that is True Lies

An Ode To Anchorman

This film is pure fantastic

A pastiche of seventiestacitc

With trouser-end flares

 Intense filled stares

And under aged models caught unawares

 With the added suggestion menstruation brings bears

And everything covered in plastic

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It sure is a marvel to see

The attitudes down to a T

The sexism’s rife

There’s a fight with a knife

A trident is used to take someone’s life

The man, the moustache, his future wife

Ferrel’s opus, Ron Burgundy

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Corningstone’s aiming for the top

Fantana’s a romantic flop

The ‘Champ’ is a closet gay

Brick Tamland’s brain has gone away

“Sex panther” smells like urine spray

A talking dog is in the fray

Once watching it I cannot stop

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This film is spot on the ball

A story of the rise and fall

Of a local news hack

Who manages to stage a funny comeback

By fighting bears on the attack

Though prompter errors can stack

Stay classy one and all

An Ode To Flash Gordon

Quaint dated effects

Long flowing hair

Brian and his beard

They have it all there

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Our Hero Flash Gordon

A.K.A Sam Jones

Blasts off to Mongo

To break all their bones

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Max von Sydow

Is too good an actor for this

While Ms Muti is stunning

Killing all with a kiss

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But my hero is Brian

Some man, some beard

Leader of the Hawkmen

Mongo’s most feared

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“Flash Gordon’s alive!”

Prince Vultan does cry

Before sending his hoards

And all Ming’s men die

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Even those on the Ajax

Brave and steadfast

But against Hawkmen

Not long did they last

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This film is quite epic

Like some stoner’s dream

With one awesome soundtrack

By the awesome Queen

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The plot is quite corny

The acting Jurassic

But Flash Gordon’s the best

An absolute classic!

An Ode to Starship Troopers

My man, Micheal Ironside

Casper Van Dien

The hot Denise Richards

Aliens who are mean

Acting’s an option

When your out to kill Bugs

Just CGI mayhem

And gratuitous jugs

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Verhoeven at his finest

With blood and guts galore

Though more bugs get blown up

If you want to keep score

With cruel basic training

Who can tell who’s more dangerous

When Zim’s throwing knives

The body count’ s tremendous

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The big baddie is the brain-bug

It just fills you with awe

Until it kills you

Sucks your brain through a straw

And  let’s not forget

Neil Patrick Harris

In faux nazi dress

Not one to embarrass

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Leave your brain at the entrance

Your bound to enjoy

With all you would need

As a twelve-year-old boy

Filled with propaganda

Would you like to know more?

The great Starship Troopers

A film I adore

An ode to Bloodsport

A martial arts bloodbath

All covered in glam

The Muscles from Brussels

Jean-Claude Van Damme

The “plot” is quite simple

Our soldier Frank

All sinew and muscle

Built like a tank

Taught how to fight

By a Japanese master

Loaded with skills

Stronger and faster

Gathered with fighters

From around the world

Old Frankie went AWOL

When the fighting unfurled

He headed to Hong Kong

To fight in a ring

While federal agents

Tried to set up a sting

With his friend big Ray Jackson

And the sexy Leah Ayres

Fight after fight

While synth music blares

When Ray Jackson is smashed

Frankie vows to get even

Cue more extreme nude shots

Then you’d be believe’n

In the end our man Dux

Won the kumite

Though he was half blind

He still saw the way

Bloody and macho

It wasn’t cut short

A wonderful movie

Van Damme in Bloodsport

An Ode to Mars Attacks

A film loaded with cameoed stars

About invaders straight from Mars

Who came in ships with retro feel

To kill and maim, destroy and steal

To generally run amok

Tim Burton’s brand of Cry havoc

The film begins with cows on fire

The tone from then does not go higher

Jack Nicholson gets two separate roles

Both end up dead as the film unfolds

The President, Man with hotel

The sleazier? It’s hard to tell

 Annette Bening a Hippy wife

To tries to flee from all the strife

With aid of crooner ace Tom Jones

Who ends the film with Dulce tones

Though it must be said he lost the class

To Danny DeVito shaking his ass

In the end the foe was beaten by

Their gloopy brain contents did fly

Undone by what we think so wrong

A crooning country music song

A lesson that things you may hate

May be there to guard by fate

An ode to Under Siege

With all the warships, new and hip

Who wants to crew a battleship

Old and rusty, fading fire

On its way home to retire

Who’d have thought this ship

That Tommy Lee will take a dip

At playing villains, stealing nukes

Shootings those who lifts their dukes

Things then start to get unreal

 With Casey Ryberg, former SEAL

Seagal moves with much style and grace

Such raw emotion on his face

If that’s not enough to make you shout

A playmate then gets her baps out

Oh what a movie, what a show

Old Steve he beats them too and fro

And though their swear are unrepeatable

Seagal is simply undefeatable

The movie ends in a scene so grand

With Steve and Tommy, hand to hand

Needless to say it’s over fast

Such class as this too good to last

If you want your brain turned glue

Under Siege, the film for you